Ambivalence

Tomorrow is the day my old camp opens up and lets boat loads of people in for visiting.
On the one hand, it will be nice to see my sister and a few other people who are there this year without me. Ari, and old Hebrew High friend, is a first year counselor that I'm looking forward to talking to. If he's there and receptive, I'd like to see Ezra (my sister wrote that he is working in the office, so he may be around, or he may take the day off the avoid the zoo). There may be others there I don't know about yet that I will want to see, like some of my ex-tentmates from my years as a camper. It was always an exciting day as someone to be visited, and this will be my first year as a visitor.

On the other hand, I am very apprehensive; there are definitely people there that are the reason I am not, especially my co-counselor from my bunk last year. I don't want to see her. Furthermore, there are people that I wouldn't care much about one way or the other except that I've got them on facebook from "devil-may-care" days and I don't know if they've read on it that I'm gay, and if they have, I don't know how they'll react. It's because it's such a religious place that I couldn't come out there in the first place, and Conservative [denomination] Jews are notoriously difficult to predict politically. Some are very pro-Gay Rights; others are quite the opposite.
I just hope that if something does come up, I have grown strong enough and comfortable enough not to revert to my silent, scared high school self.